Separation or divorce is always a challenging time but when children are involved, the emotional complexities can quickly intensify.  Decisions as to how to best to co-parent now that you’re living apart need to be made.  With the summer holidays looming, the challenge of agreeing on an effective co-parenting plan is brought into even sharper focus.

What is co-parenting?

Traditionally co-parenting was simply the term for how adults share their parenting duties following a separation.  Today however, family units can arise in different ways, for example as a result of sperm donation or surrogacy, so co-parenting can also cover the way that parents who have not been in a formal relationship choose to raise their child together. 

Co-parenting arrangements can also be made between 2, 3 or even 4 adults.  For example, a lesbian couple and a gay man or a gay couple and a lesbian couple may have decided they’d like to raise a child together.

If they are to succeed, an effective co-parenting plan must be built on an agreement between the parties that they will support each other as parents and stay focussed on the needs of their children.

Moreover, an effective co-parenting plan should be based on three core principles, communication, cooperation and compromise.

If you are separating, emotions will be running high.  You need to make sure your communications remain calm.  Meet when you are in the right frame of mind, not when you are stressed or angry and be prepared to pause if emotions start to surge.

Cooperation will help you establish a consistent set of principles for your children across both homes.  Being seen to cooperate is hugely beneficial to your children too.  They see you working together which will be reassuring for them and take away any lingering doubts of having to pick sides.

You will need to compromise to achieve what is best for your children.  Co-parenting is always about the child, not the parents.  If you have several children, you may also have to be prepared to compromise to find different ways forward for each as they could have very different demands.

What are the benefits of creating a co-parenting plan?

There are several very good reasons for investing the time to create an effective co-parenting plan.

It provides much greater security and stability for your children.  It gives them certainty over when they will spend time with each parent, how much time they’ll spend with each and where and what will happen during the different holiday periods.

A plan will also reduce stress for the parents by clearly defining each parents’ responsibilities.  This reduces the risk of conflict and any uncertainties over when and where they will see their children.

Similarly, a plan also provides a clearer picture for the other family members involved, for example for grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  If they are close, continued contact with their extended family will provide an additional and hugely welcome level of support for your children as they settle into their new life following your separation.

The process of creating a plan will also encourage you to continue to communicate effectively with your ex-partner.  This could well be difficult or even upsetting in the early stages, but it will get easier and the fact you can communicate will have a positive influence on your children.

Finally, from a more practical perspective, a plan gives you something in writing you can refer to should disagreements arise in future.  This is much more reliable than relying on verbal agreements that could be remembered or interpreted very differently by both parties and lead to unnecessary and damaging disputes.

The challenges of co-parenting over the summer holidays

As the summer holidays get closer, separated co-parents have some hard decisions to make. Who will cover the extra cost of holiday clubs and childcare?  Who will take the children abroad?  How will time with each parent be divided around work and, potentially, new family  commitments?   

Again communication, cooperation and compromise will be key to coming to the required agreements.  Planning ahead will also help.  If you can draw up a plan or timetable together before the schools break up, everyone involved will settle straight into a routine as soon as the holidays begin.

However, if you are struggling to create this timetable between you, it may be time to take advice from an experienced family lawyer.  They’ll be able to advise you of your parental rights and discuss the different ways you can find the best way forward. 

If this still doesn’t resolve the situation, they will also be able to explain how legal action – for example issuing proceedings or putting a contact order in place – could help resolve the situation.  This should always be the last resort.  Your primary objective must always be to create your own effective co-parenting plan based on what you know is best for your children by employing communication, cooperation and compromise.

If you have any questions regarding co-parenting (or any other family law issue) and would like to discuss them with one of our experienced family barristers, please contact us today.